[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
Hm. This is actually a little more
degrading than a dunking booth,
because in a dunking booth, someone
else has to actively dunk you,
but here I'm expected to dunk myself.
Is this really the way, though?
Okay, that way's on fire...
Yeah, he hung the bodies out
for me--this has to be it.
And I could probably
find another way around,
but I admit, this does look fun.
Yeah, fun's been out of stock lately.
Everybody who had fun is dead,
which depletes even more fun.
All right, enough stalling. Let's go.
That was pretty good! I'm going to have
to ask him for the video footage to that.
I wanted to do a flip, but I wasn't
100% sure I wouldn't hit the rim.
This isn't basketball; I lose
all my points if I hit the rim,
Yeah, if there are extra nooses
there, and I somehow hit one,
that'd probably take my head clean off, huh?
And if we're being real, that's probably
the coolest way possible to go, but not me!
I need to reload! Just calm down already!
He must be giving them sugar water.
[fast zombie screaming]
OUTSIDE!
You're worse than salesmen!
I remember when salesmen were kind of dying
off, though. It was probably dangerous.
I wonder if someone ever blew one away
with a shotgun. It had to have happened.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE OUTDOORS TO PLAY IN!
BUT NO! YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE THIS ONE ROOM!
This room sucks, anyway! You can have it!
It won't even keep the rain out, now.
You can have fun attacking
the trash or something.
Yeah, this IS going to be a long night.
Whoa! Just tuning the elevator.
Yeah, this is worse than
my old neighborhood, too.
This is more like Harry's neighborhood.
Harry's neighborhood was this
bad--especially at night.
They would climb the walls there.
Yeah, his dad fired
a shotgun at the ceiling,
and he only scared SOME of them off.
[glass shattering]
Whoop!
Oh shit, are those drugs?!
No, it's just rubbing alcohol. I knew that.
Yeah, Harry was in a BAD neighborhood.
He said the cops stopped coming there.
Yeah, his dad had to go to court, didn't he?
Because he set a bear trap
in the fireplace, and--
But yeah, he set a bear trap, so when the
burglars or whoever came down the chimney
except one came down headfirst
and it took his head clean off.
I remember his mom got pissed because
it got blood all over the carpet.
Oh, that's great. Spread everywhere
and they're still not dead.
...but I should be happy...
...that they're this big.
What if these things were the size of
ticks, but still took my brain over?
That would more horrible.
Shit, it's only been a day
or two since I first got bit.
I might be infected anyway.
I was breathing those god
damn spores yesterday!
Oh my God, is it still alive?
Okay, it wasn't LITERALLY yesterday, but...
biologically it was. I think.
It might have been a few days, because
I felt pretty good this morning.
Mentally, the nightmare
never really stopped.
Somebody needs to feed their dog.
But, yeah, the last that--Oh!
Shit. Blood all over the wall.
He must have offed himself.
And there's the weapon.
I could've been a detective.
Although I haven't solved my own case.
The last thing I remember before
waking up was that space train,
and I felt like shit then.
But, yeah, I don't even
remember falling asleep.
He must have shot me up with something.
But the question: Is there an alien
infection still growing inside of me?
I don't feel different, but maybe it
wouldn't want me to feel different.
Well, I haven't seen anyone obviously
infected with an alien virus.
[rumbling sound]
I have seen a lot of dead people, though.
The Hunchback of God Damn.
And you know what? I'm not
even going to look to see if
even smaller huggers start spilling
out of the one I just shot.
I don't need to know that.
That goes DOUBLE since I'm unemployed.
No, wait! I forgot! I'm working for the
government that doesn't exist anymore!
I'm working at a job that doesn't pay me,
has no description or objectives, and a
boss that runs away every time he sees me.
Which would be great, except for
the payment part. I'm a vagrant.
To be fair, maybe money doesn't exist now.
What the...? Where'd you come from?
Did you climb the fence, or...?
But yeah, he could've given
me food, a place to live,
police protection--that'd be a good one.
But yeah, why pay someone when you can
just watch them run around in fear.
Doesn't sound like a stable economic system.
What? Now where did YOU come
from? Are you following me?
Did we do that thing where you
look for someone in a store,
but you each look in the wrong aisle at the
same time so you think they're not there?
What...? Where are they coming from?
No. I don't have the ammo
to do this all night.
I've already used more than I wanted to.
That is the one upside to shooting
cops: they have bullets on them.
You guys are a dead end
in the bullet economy.
I'm not running a charity here.
Maybe Greg has a trap door that
releases zombies when I'm not looking.
Oh, that's a lever!
He DOES have a trap door!
Wait, no, there's more behind him.
Holy shit, how many are there?
I was wondering why he would
leave this out in the open.
That's actually genius showmanship--
tricking the contestants
into trapping themselves.
All right, let's do this.
Wait, where did your friends
go? They got lost all ready?
Eh, this is what I get
for trying to be clever.
And I'm just assuming these are zombies.
It's possible he hired actors as
extras and I'm blowing them away.
Oh, there we go. All right. Another test.
Step number one: Remove
explosive. That's the first test.
Step number two: Don't
literally cut my own head off.
That would make a better show, but
he can find someone else for that.
I didn't fail the test. The test failed me.
Yeah, that's the part they
leave out of MacGyver,
how all this cobbled-together engineering
tends to fall apart in a few minutes.
I still can't get over how quiet this is.
Hey, I haven't seen the spook for a while
either. That can't be a coincidence.
I think I'm going to have to kill him.
But I have to think this through;
I can't come at him half-cocked,
But you do support my theory.
Fuck this. You guys can
hug it out. I'm leaving.
Why can't they attack each other?
[fast zombie screaming]
HEY!
[fast zombie screaming]
AH!
Where are they coming from?!
MOST ANIMALS ARE SCARED OF
GUNSHOTS! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Yeah, this is a LOT
like Harry's neighborhood.
It's just that nobody's armed and--
Wait, WHAT?
Are they parachuting in?!
Hey, I'm kind of getting low on shells!
I don't want to be that guy that says,
"Gee, I wish I could blow away someone
with a shotgun," then click, nothing.
You know what I'm saying?
Dammit, these aren't dependable.
See, we're overcomplicating this.
Just simplify my life, please.
Well, I can still count on SOMEBODY.
I don't know how much ammo I have.
I said I wasn't going to burn
through my ammo, and now look at me.
No, YOU should be ashamed.
[gun clicks]
Oh no. Today is NOT Loose End Day.
Check your calendar; you'll see I'm right!
Wasn't there enough--Yes?
What? You win. You can have that spot.
Yeah, I should've clarified--
[gun clicks]
Oh hell, I'm out.
TWO! I HAVE TWO SHELLS LEFT!
This message was brought to you
by Broken Economy Sesame Street.
Yeah, I meant to say it's not Loose
End Day for vicious scurrying things.
I can't afford to apply it to everyone.
You should never let your
ambitions exceed your ammo supply.
Hey, there's nothing here.
Besides, the small ones
CAN go down in one shot.
That was the problem with the
hunchback--he was like a moose.
And that is the lesson to be learned here.
If I shoot the spook in the face point
blank, I cannot assume that will kill him.
He has advanced technology.
I have to be smart about this.
he has to assume that I...
It was following me on the
ledge like a mountain goat!
Yeah, yeah. Nice try. Real stable.
I'm sure he has cameras set up here.
I hope he doesn't do that thing
where you saw the board halfway from the
underside so it looks stable, then crack.
Why does he have two shotguns?
Of course, the beer's empty.
Hey, one of these grenades fits in my gun.
[low yowling]
What was that?
Is this an event? Am I the judge?
Was I supposed to judge that?
Well, you missed me, and the
roof, so I give that a 10.
Though I don't usually
operate on a number scale.
It's a hit-me-and-I-shoot-you-in-the-face scale.
There's not much of a spectrum there.
Okay, I'm NOT going in a circle.
I'm going in a spiral. I gained height.
Another shotgun. Ammo box.
Yeah! I can use it.
Yeah, I'm thinking Greg might be like
Eddie, where he keeps like ten guns
spread around different rooms
in his house for quick access.
It doesn't explain two shotguns
in the same place, though.
NEVER FORGET! THERE'S ALWAYS
SOMEONE BEHIND ME! LIKE HIM!
Okay, so we know he likes
Schwarzenegger movies.
Maybe he saw "Terminator 2" and was like,
"I can fire a shotgun with one hand."
Tried it once with two of them, then quit.
[screaming]
[fast zombies screaming]
MY LEG!
GRIGORI: The grave holds nothing less for you.
I can't believe I fell
off the fucking building!
There is no crowdsurfing in hell.
I didn't even hit the dirt. It
was right on the cobblestone.
[fast zombies chittering]
Okay, am I good?
BACK OFF! I DON'T HAVE THE BALL!
This is bullshit! What's with these teams?!
[poison headcrab squeals]
HOOO!
What are YOU looking at?!
Oh, perfect! I've got
FIVE shells left. FIVE!
I've gotta change my lifestyle here.
Okay, I picked up a magazine.
Does he have a plate in his head?
[poison headcrab zombie yowls]
Okay, I guess this is a better caliber.
Well, I guess this is what Harry was going
through, short of falling off a building.
After dark, this may as
well be his neighborhood.
Yeah, didn't he say there was
a movie his life was like?
Attack on Police... Assault on
Precinct... Something like that.
I wonder if that Greg guy knows
which one I'm talking about.
Yeah, THIS board. I didn't forget THAT.
I don't need to fall TWICE tonight.
I'm sure Greg's going to be watching
the first time in slow
motion before he goes to bed.
Some people dream about falling.
He'll be dreaming about ME falling.
I bet the spook knows which movie I'm
talking about, though he'll never tell me.
I mean, he probably
doesn't know off the cuff.
But he strikes me as the sort of guy
who has access to all knowledge
in the known universe.
GRIGORI: I remember your TRUE face.
That DOES sound like something
a rooftop shooter would say,
even before the invasion.
I wonder if he does mushrooms.
GRIGORI: How came you here, brother?
This is the wrong side of town for you.
GRIGORI: Did I not tell
you to seek the church?
GRIGORI: Mend your ways
before it is too late.
You know, life is obviously
harder if you're crazy,
but then do you KNOW it's harder?
Dammit, I forgot to ask him
about John Carpenter movies.
Did he rig this to fall?!
Hey, isn't that a child psychology thing?
He knows where the church is, so he
assumes *I* know where the church is?
Life must be confusing for him.
[shotgun clicks]
Oh shit! I'm spent! I forgot!
Y'know, chicks dig scars,
but I think there's a limit.
It's probably a bell curve.
If people start calling me "Blenderface",
this is going to work against me.
No. We're not doing this.
If I give you a bullet now,
you're just going to want more.
Okay, fine. One more. One.
Hm. Maybe he had two shotguns so if
he ran out of ammo in the first one,
he wouldn't have to reload.
But he was already carrying a shotgun.
He needed three shotguns?
These are my last six Magnum rounds.
[glass shattering]
It b--
I wonder if it's the spook.
I hope I lost him, but, y'know...
Yeah, I might need to kill him.
What I should try is throwing
stuff at him casually,
like I'm playfully annoyed with him,
then just slip in a jagged chunk of metal
coated in poison. See how that goes.
Wait a minute! I've been here!
Oh, for GOD'S SAKE! I *AM* going in circles!
Great! Now I'm thinking
like a Blenderface...
Y'know, it wouldn't be such a loss
if they DID start bombing here.